One question you typically won’t be asked in job interviews is, “Can you share a professional challenge you faced with losing a loved one and how you overcame it?” Imagine if we held space for people to answer this question. How much more human and understanding would our workplaces, schools, and communities be?
Today marks the fifth anniversary of my father’s passing, and I find myself reflecting on an often-avoided topic—death. Death is uncomfortable, but it's inevitable. Unlike food, none of us have an expiration date that we can plan around. When death happens, especially in the middle of major life milestones like graduate school, it throws your world into disarray.
During my Ph.D. studies at the University of Georgia (UGA), I lost three close family members—two aunts and an uncle. Navigating graduate school under normal circumstances is difficult, but balancing grief, coursework, and professional responsibilities sometimes felt insurmountable. Through my experience, I’ve learned some hard but valuable lessons. I hope to share those lessons and offer tips for anyone in a similar position.
The Unspoken Reality of Grief in Academia
Death isn't something you’re likely to discuss in job, scholarship, or graduate school interviews. Yet, loss happens to all of us, often at the most inopportune moments. In the four years I spent pursuing my doctorate, I lost three significant people in my life. My aunt and her husband passed away during my first semester. Another aunt died right after Thanksgiving in my third year, and yet another aunt the following spring.
I was my parent's only child, but my large extended family of 23 first cousins, 12 uncles, and 11 aunts was a constant source of love and support. When I began my doctorate, I was the first in my family to pursue a Ph.D. But no one prepares you for managing the weight of loss while striving to achieve your professional and academic dreams.
I taught, supervised, and coached students managing school, work, and loss, with many dropping out or struggling in school. Being in proximity to loss and experiencing it aren’t the same. My students showed me that I didn’t want the challenge of grief to stop my goal of getting a doctorate.
The Challenges of Grieving While Pursuing a Degree
When grief hits, how do you concentrate on writing papers, working on research projects, or meeting academic deadlines? How do you balance professional growth when the people you love most are no longer there to cheer you on?
For me, I don’t know how I made it to the finish line. There were countless drives between Georgia and Arkansas—almost 20 hours round trip—for funerals. I remember talking to myself on those drives, using voice-to-text just to keep up with schoolwork. I was also trying to be present for my parents, who needed support while grieving their siblings.
Yet, through it all, the deadlines and expectations of graduate school didn’t stop. You can ask for accommodations, but even that can be emotionally taxing. There’s often an internal pressure to keep going, to "do it all." But that's not sustainable, nor is it healthy.
Take Advantage of Mental Health Resources
If you’re pursuing a degree, many universities offer on-campus counseling services included in your tuition or student fees. These services can provide a crucial support system when navigating grief and academic pressures.
If on-campus counseling isn't an option, look into services covered by your health insurance, which may include telehealth options for added convenience. Additionally, many campuses partner with local clinics to offer reduced-cost mental health services, or they have programs where counseling is provided by students completing their internships to become licensed mental health professionals.
Seeking help isn’t a sign of weakness—it’s a step toward healing. Whether it's a professional counselor or a peer support group, having someone to talk to can make a world of difference.
Why It’s Okay to Ask for Help
One thing I learned is that it’s okay to ask for help. We tend to think we can manage everything on our own—school, work, and grief—but grief is a full-time emotional experience. It’s okay to need a break or to extend deadlines. Your health and well-being should come first.
Here are a few tips for anyone trying to navigate school, work, and the loss of a loved one:
Tips for Managing School, Work, and Grief:
Self-Assessment is Crucial: It’s important to take a step back and evaluate your situation. Ask yourself: What are my priorities right now? Sometimes, you may need to reduce your workload or take a temporary break to focus on healing.
Communicate Early and Honestly: Whether it’s with your professors, employer, or peers, don’t be afraid to communicate about your situation. Most people will understand and accommodate you but can’t help if they don’t know what you’re going through.
Use Available Resources: Universities and workplaces often have support systems, whether counseling services, extended deadlines, or workplace flexibility. Utilize them. You don’t have to shoulder everything alone.
Set Realistic Expectations for Yourself: You may not be able to perform at your peak during such a hard time, and that’s okay. Be kind to yourself, and recognize that this season requires grace and understanding.
Find Moments of Reflection: Create spaces where you can reflect on your loved ones and your journey. Grief is a process, and making time to honor your feelings helps you move forward, even if it’s in small steps.
The End
Dealing with loss while juggling school or work isn’t easy, and there’s no manual for handling it perfectly. The key is knowing when to ask for help and giving yourself permission to slow down when needed. Grief doesn’t follow a timeline, and you shouldn’t expect yourself to either. As I reflect on the loss of my father and other family members, I know that even amid loss, you can keep moving forward—one day at a time.
So, to anyone balancing work, school, and grief, remember: you’re not alone, and it’s okay not to have it all figured out.
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